Coming Out at Work

This post is the last in a series of posts about coming out. The first one can be found here: Coming Out: Be Prepared

Coming out at work can feel really scary, but it doesn’t need to be done all at once. Mostly a big company announcement isn’t necessary, but I have a few tips that may help.

Tell Human Resources

First off, speak to your Human resource representative. They may be able to guide you in what the company policy is. Discussions with your Human resource representative should also be confidential (but make sure of that). This is just to forewarn them should there be any negative impacts when you start telling your management and colleagues.

I cannot stress enough that you need to be prepared. Take some information with you, look online for leaflets or information regarding transsexualism and perhaps research the company policy on workplace discrimination.

Tell your Manager

The next person to speak to will be your direct supervisor or manager. This will be for a number of reasons:

1. Forewarning – Telling your manager or supervisor first will allow them to be prepared should there be any negative repercussions from your colleagues.
2. Time off – You may want to advise your manager that you may need to take some days off at strange times to go with your partner to doctor appointments, specialist consultations etc. If you are having a difficult time, you may need to take some time to get away from it all. Also inform them of the timeline for your partner’s surgery (if that applies to you) so that they know to expect you to take some time off around then to assist your partner.
3. Company Events – Explaining that your partner is Trans and may not be comfortable coming to company functions, such as Christmas parties, office picnics etc. will just save you from having to make excuses about why they won’t be attending. This also applies if your partner does want to attend events; the management team is aware of it and can make sure that you are not put in an awkward position.

Telling Colleagues

This can sometimes be tricky. With your close colleagues, I suggest that you tell one person at a time when it comes up in conversation, for example if someone asks after your partner, tell them that your partner is Trans and is now living full time as the other gender (if of course appropriate). When I came out at work, I was surprised at how easy it was. By sticking to my rule of only telling anyone who asked after my partner, I found that after the close colleagues, who I counted as friends) it didn’t really come up in conversation.

Another trick a friend gave me is to take aside the company gossip/s and tell them. Explain to them what being a Trans person means and what changes are happening. Make sure that you stress to them that this is a positive thing and that you’d like them to help you by correcting people and set them straight.

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Coming Out: Questions and Responses

This post is the third of a series of posts about coming out. The first one can be found here: Coming Out: Be Prepared

Make sure that you are ready for the questions. There will be questions aimed at both of you and some that will be aimed at you specifically. I’ve listed some of the questions (with my responses) below:

• What do you think of all this?
  • Be supportive if you are asked this question directly. This is not the time or the place to bring out all the issues you and your partner may be having. If you aren’t completely okay with it, be vague, say something along the lines that you are still surprised, but you are very supporting and you love each other very much and you are willing to work together on trying to figure out what this means to your marriage/relationship.
• Oh, so does that mean he will want to marry a man?
  • This is a question often asked, and it now seems such a stupid thing to ask (in my opinion). Remember, sex and gender are different things. Your partner identifies as someone of the opposite sex, this does not mean that they no longer care about you if that they are now interested in people of the opposite gender.
• When is your partner having the surgery?
  • This is one that should be answered honestly, and if the answer is that you don’t know then say that. If you do have a clear timeline, say this too.
• Has she always known?
  • This is an opportunity to talk about being Trans and what it means, but feel free to say that you are not comfortable speaking on your partner’s behalf.

Also expect the personal questions that you may not want to answer, have a response ready for these too even if it is just saying that you don’t really feel comfortable speaking about it.

• What does he/she look like?
• Did you know from the beginning?
• Are you embarrassed to go out in public?
• Do they wear a wig?
• Do they have boobs?
• How do you have sex?
• Does this mean you are lesbian/gay/straight?

Remember, only answer what you are comfortable with. You have a right to privacy too.

Next time: Coming out at Work

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The Coming Out Meeting

This post is the second of a series of posts I intend to do about coming out. The first one can be found here: Coming Out: Be Prepared

Don’t have the meeting in a public place. If it does turn very sour, you don’t want to be in a position where you could be humiliated in public. Try having it at the person’s house; this gives you an opportunity to leave should you feel uncomfortable. Having it at your home is also not a good idea.

Have the meeting separately, don’t come out to a huge group. There are safety in numbers and this will allow you to get the person’s reaction, unbiased from the people that may influence them.

Don’t have your partner come dressed in their ‘new’ gender. Although this is good for shock value, it is unlikely to be a positive coming out. The person will feel uncomfortable and pounced upon.

The important thing to remember about coming out as a couple is that you need to come out as a team. You need to be in it together. You should put aside reservations that you personally may have and face this together. The reactions you get will not always be supportive and you need to prepare for this. However, not everything is doom and gloom, these are the worst case scenarios. I found that coming out was a lot easier than I thought. I had dreaded it and made it feel like everyone was going to hate me and think I’m a freak, but what actually happened was that people were generally supportive and even those who weren’t that supportive didn’t go running screaming.

Next time: Coming Out Q&A

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Coming Out: Be Prepared

This post is the first of a series of posts I intend to do about coming out. It took so long to write because I kept going around in circles with too much to say. So I’ve split it out into a few posts which will be published within days of each other. I hope it helps.

Coming out isn’t easy. There I said it. It can be the hardest part of all of the transition process. Even if you are a supportive and loving significant other, coming out can be tough. Coming out usually involves more worrying about coming out than dealing with the repercussions.

Before starting on the coming out journey, you need to be prepared. You need to understand transsexualism and what it means both in terms of the ‘condition’ as well as what it means in your context.

Do your Homework

I use the term ‘condition’ in inverted commas because although transsexualism is defined as a condition, it is more than just something that you can take a pill for and it will all go away. I suggest you read True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism – for Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals by Chloe Ann Rounsley & Mildred L. Brown (ISBN-10: 0787902713 or ISBN-13: 978-0787902711). This was the first book that I ever read and it was a real eye opener. It is a very good start to understanding what being Transsexual means. Be open with your partner while you read the book, I found that it gave me the opportunity to ask questions in context. Make reference to things you have read and ask about your partner’s experiences of being transsexual and how they found growing up and living with being transsexual.

Who to Come Out to

I separated my coming out with my partner’s coming out. If you see it in this way, you find it’s probably easier to decide who to come out to and when. Some people you will come out as a couple to. This is generally people who your partner will need to come out to. Your partner’s family, common friends and close members of your own family.

Make a list if it helps. There are some people who it is unavoidable to come out to. These are likely to be people who are close friends and or family that you interact with often. These are also people who may unexpectedly find out anyway. Separate out people that you are friends with from your partner’s social group. Also separate your work friends and colleagues from your partner’s work friends and colleagues. There are different implications for Trans people’s coming out and for partners of Trans people.

Next time: The Coming Out Meeting

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Fighting Battles

One of the things that I find most difficult about being a significant other of a Trans person is that although I am a loving accepting supportive partner, not everyone around me is. And I’m sometimes not sure how to deal with that.

I have this overwhelming urge to just shelter her from the outside world, which isn’t fair on her and isn’t really fair on me either. In the beginning I would carry a huge burden to hide the bad stuff going on around us, and she didn’t know what I was hiding, but obviously she knew something was going on. This didn’t work. At best you are being pa/maternal at worst condescending. She’s better than that. She’s a grown person, who may be going through something right now, but that doesn’t mean that you can take anything away from her. She needs to go forward and face the world.

This of course doesn’t mean that you don’t have to deal with the a-holes. You will, and it sometimes means that you need to walk away and ignore it, and other times it means that you need to stand up and attack it head on. The hardest part is knowing which to do when, and that you can only learn from experience.

So what do you say? It depends on the situation, and again this is my own personal experience and what I say to people.

• It’s a condition where the brain doesn’t fit the body (I realise its more complicated than that, and that gender is a continuum etc. but it’s just easier that way, you can always get more into the philosophical debates if they are more interested).
• Do you honestly think anyone would choose to be in this situation? (A harsher response and not always the most helpful, it does make people think)
• Would you say the same to someone who is a different sexual orientation/race/nationality etc.? (A huge bugbear of mine is that some people feel that trans phobia is okay, but homophobia and racism isn’t)

The key for me is to inform and educate people, rather than lash out blindly. Have a discussion, start a debate. You may just educate them. And if they don’t respond and aren’t really willing to listen, or be civil, ignore them. You’re better off without people like that in your life.

Photo Credit Rhubarble.

My Significant Others’ Manifesto

To provide some context to later posts I intend to write (don’t hold me to that though), I though it prudent to describe the process around transitioning. Thus us by no means the only path, and it’s also not true that everyone transitions. In my experience, not all trans people transition. Some choose instead to live as both or as an ambiguous gender, outside of the confines of the stereotypical male and female genders.
I think the first step towards the transition is exactly that, coming to terms with being trans or different or something and deciding what to do about it (if anything). Generally, the next stage is coming out. Coming out usually starts with significant others first and then with those outside of the inner circle. This raises questions of coming out for the significant others.
The next stage is then the transition and all that that encompasses, again my own experiences will be the driver here, and I will be writing about transitioning from male to female. I’ll not be writing a how to for transitioning, rather a what I found and what to expect for significant others.
I plan to explore these topics related to gender and transitioning through my blog, purely to give insight into my own experience and because that’s what I’m familiar with. This by no means makes it the whole truth, nor does it make it the only truth. It is however my truth and hopefully it will resonate and provide insight for someone out there.

Photo Credit to Kevin Dooley.

My dad’s famous banana bread recipe

My dad and my relationship hasn’t always been very good, but something that always reminds me of the love that is really shared between us is his banana bread.

Ingredients

1/2 cup butter/margarine
3/4 cup sugar
2 eggs
3 bananas
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
1/2 cup milk
2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1/4 teaspoon salt

Cream butter and slowly add sugar, continue beating while adding the eggs one by one. Mash the bananas with a fork, then mix with the milk and bananas in a separate bowl.
Sieve the flour and other dry ingredients and then add alternately with the banana mixture to the butter mixture. Add slowly otherwise the flour flies all over the kitchen as you mix.
Pour the batter into a large loaf tin and bake for an hour at 180 C.

The mixture can also be used for muffins. It makes about 24 standard muffins.

Maybe not that much of a failure

So last week, I decided to quit smoking with fanfare and bugles and all that sort of drama and stuff. Actually, I wasn’t sure what to say and if to tell until I had properly stopped. A week on and I still haven’t properly stopped. I no longer smoke at work, during the day but this weekend wasn’t great. During the week I had been smoking once I got home, but I did not partake during the day. That much I did manage.

This weekend was awful. I had planned to not have a cigarette until later in the day, perhaps try to keep up not smoking until after 5 o’clock, but no. That didn’t work. On Saturday I had my first cigarette at around 2 in the afternoon, and I didn’t slow down. I probably had around 5 or 6 cigarettes on Saturday.

Sunday was better. I still started quite early, but I managed to curb it down to perhaps 3 or 4 for the day. I did however feel like I had a massive hangover for most of Sunday, which makes me think perhaps it was a smoking hangover. Does that even exist?

Well, that brings me to today. Monday. I feel like I’m quitting all over again. That’s okay. At least I know I can. It may be punishment for today, but it’ll be better tomorrow.

Photo Source: Pink Sherbet Photography

OMG! My partner’s trans-something

Warning: This is a rant. This is a spur of the moment rant about how I feel. This is not meant to belittle any particular person or people. It is just my way to express my frustration. It may also be fuelled by a distinct lack of nicotine.

The thing is. I know you are hurt. I know that this news is earth shattering to you. I know this. I understand this at the core of my being. But please, don’t take it out on them. Don’t go flying off the handle until you’ve listened.

Betrayal. You say you feel betrayed. Fine, you feel that. Own it. That doesn’t mean someone else intentionally kept this from you. This isn’t about you. This is about them. You think this is hard on you? Try it from their side. I understand that its confusing. I understand that you think they’ve been hiding it. But lets be realistic, did they not just hide it for fear of you reacting like this? Isn’t the hiding justified? They have been lying to themselves for so long. Appreciate that you may feel betrayed, but also appreciate how much it has taken him/her to come out to you.

What does this mean for my sexuality? Nothing. Everything. Your sexuality is just that. It’s yours. It belongs to you. It shouldn’t be defined by what your partner is up to. You don’t need to conform to standard gender or sexual stereotypes. Your sexuality is yours. define it how you like. I have met partners who run the whole gamut; from fully identifying as a different sexuality (I now strongly identify as Lesbian), through to those who still identify as the same sexuality they were before, but recognise that the same rules don’t necessarily apply. They see themselves as heterosexual, but my partners a female. While I realise that sexuality can be a huge decision, I battled with mine for a long time, I can now with hindsight see that all that battling I id was to fit into someone else’s opinion on what the norm is. Now it doesn’t matter. I’m a lesbian today. If my Partner and I ever split up, I’m not so sure. I think I’d be less rigid. I think I’d just not define myself because I don’t need to live by someone else’s rules. And neither do you.

Does this mean that I turned him/her? No. It doesn’t work that way. This is something that in some way or another Trans people know that they are different. That doesn’t mean that they necessarily disclose everything. It doesn’t mean that they need to come right out at spill their deepest secrets from the start. Some trans people know something is wrong for their entire lives and just can’t put their finger on what. Others know from the start that something is different and they spend their entire lives trying not to let that part out. The fact they they do come out to you, means that they trust you enough to share their secret. Don’t abuse that trust by living up to their worst nightmares.

What does this mean about me as a man/woman? This just means that there is something about your partner that you fell in love with. I strongly believe that a lot of us who fall in love with trans people fall in love with the parts that make them different. Its the more sensitive man, or the stronger woman. This doesn’t make you less of a man/woman. It just means that there was something that you saw in each other that sparked. Something that just felt right.

I think if nothing else, the main point I was to get across is, that this is not all about you. This has been a

Picture Courtesy of: Xristoforos aka Shooting Dog

I’m a quitter (hopefully…)

 

This blog over the next few days and/or weeks is going to be all about how I’m trying to quit smoking. My strategy is to write a blog post talking about my motivations and progress every time the need to smoke gets too much. I’m not sure how realistic this is, but it does give me something to do with my hands.

I’ve decided to quit smoking. It’s something that happened suddenly, but then again, perhaps it didn’t.

I’ve wanted to stop smoking for a while now (probably forever), but there has always been some rebellious part of me that won’t allow myself to stop.  I started smoking, like most kids who start, to be cool and to prove I was a rebel. I wanted to buck the trend and be a smoker. Even when smoking wasn’t that cool when I was at school, there was still something about it.

Part of it was linked to being cooler than the other kids in spite of them not thinking it’s cool. Does that make any sense. It’s a bit like listening to AC/DC and Black Sabbath while everyone else is listening to Korn and Limp Bizkit. There’s just something cooler about smoking than there was about taking Ecstasy, and perhaps in a way, that was a saving grace for me. 

I continued to smoke because it was something that still made me different. Something that told the world I could do what I wanted.  I can smoke and  you can’t tell me not to. I of course realise now (and perhaps I knew it at the time too), that this was a completely unsustainable thing to prove to other people. I’ll kill myself with this just to spite you. That gave other people an incredible amount of power over me. In my equation, they were in a position of authority and I was a rebellious teenager. Over time, this made me seriously think about what the hell I was doing this for, and who did I have anything to prove to?

Picture courtesy of  Jason Bolonski.